Title: No One Lives
Starring:
Luke Evans (Who?)
Adelaide Clemens (Double who?)
Such a promising movie poster!
An even more promising opening 90 seconds!
The following 84 minutes and 30 seconds is dedicated to fulfilling the title.
This viewer euthanised his movie watching partner with a stick of cabanossi just before dying of unintended laughter.
Now before you go judging me on mistreatment of cured meats, consider what I was sitting through.
1. After pulling a bound, gagged and clearly terrified woman from a hidden compartment in the boot of a car, the “rescuers” then proceed to berate the victim, screaming at her “What the hell were you doing in the trunk?!”
2. Man has head lowered into a churning, vicious looking wood chipper type machine. Man is then raised up, to have his ear plucked off by deranged killer (Reservoir Dog plagiarism script moment), yet the rest of his head, including the perfectly slicked hairstyle remains intact.
3. A sack of entrails is dropped on to the porch, prompting one of the women ( who earlier in the movie calmly watched a whole family being slaughtered) to scream hysterically and lose her shit completely, despite having no idea who/what the entrails belong to.
That was probably the best of the scriptwriting in this cinematic masterpiece.
Think Friday the 13th…
Without the mask.
Or the scary killer.
Or the scary anything.
I was going to give this two gerbils, until the blatant lie was delivered at the end of the movie.
One gerbil.
No One Lives
